i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
