I understand Curling. That high.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
