I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
