how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
