the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
