I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
