I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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