and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
