I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
