After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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