Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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