she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Randomize
