I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
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Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...