Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.