3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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