theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
