Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
