im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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