Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
