I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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