hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
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My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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