It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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