Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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