I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
