Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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