Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
