I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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