Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
