so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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