Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
