i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
