the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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