I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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