what day is it and did you see me today?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
