i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
pop tarts are not kleenex
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
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