Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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