Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
