whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
