who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
