just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
