Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
