Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
