Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm having to shit out rocks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
