I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize