i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
