i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
