That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
