I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
