Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
