I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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