Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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