Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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