I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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