You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
