Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
