I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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