My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
