Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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