3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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