even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
