Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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