You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
we're so committed to being not committed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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