I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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